NOTE: This may get more personal than previous posts, but as the title suggests, it's cathartic.
It's 3am and all I can do is lie in bed thinking about playing and how to make music my career. Another day of monotony drains you and you need a release of all the nonsense you put up with. Without music, I would have probably gone insane by this point in my life. Don't get me wrong, I don't live a life full of tribulations like starvation, poverty, or emotional turmoil. I'm just an individual with low self-esteem, anger issues, and high functioning depression. An average adult, I like to think. haha
The further I get into making music a career, the more difficult it seems. Between the costs vs. the pay, family strain, and finding the "right" plan... I feel like it gets further and further away from becoming reality the "closer" I get.
I've been married for almost 9 years and with my wife for almost 16 years. We have basically grown up together and have gone through a lot together. We have 3 amazing children and have decent jobs. Despite all this, I can't help but to be selfish and pursue music as a career. It may jeopardize my marriage and the time I get to see my children, but I've got this feeling it's what I'm suppose to be doing.
What scares me the most is that all the famous musicians got separated from their wives after "making it" and touring. We've already had issues with my minimal schedule, how will we do if I actually get the chance to tour and do this full time? Not only that, but I've never missed a big moment for my children and I don't want to. It was always so comforting that my mother attended EVERY performance I had in school. Without her reassurance and support, I wouldn't be who I am today.
On the other hand, I truly believe that if I give up now it sets a precedent that when life gets hard you should choose the safe route. I don't want my children thinking, "An art career is too difficult. I'll just stick with something safe" or something similar. I want to be an example that hard work, determination, and some talent can make a dream career happen. As previously mentioned, my mother pushed me to do what I wanted, despite the hardships involved. She warned me of the problems but let me know she fully supported me. To give up now would throw away ALL the hard work and make all those hardships pointless.
So, I say all that to say this...
Life is hard and full of challenging decisions. Music has been my main outlet for all my problems, even if it has caused some. It's something that pushes me to be better and focuses me unlike any other topic. Music strips away the nonsense and lets me release all the pent up frustrations and self doubt. It's cathartic. Don't give it up, if its truly something you believe you have to do.
Music is the only thing that truly makes sense to me.